3 People That Have Never Been in My Kitchen

Just got back from my first actual audition.  Not entirely frightening, I sucked to high heaven, but it was a fun experience.  I primarily did it to get it out of the way.  There always has to be a first one, so this was it. 

Prior to the audition, I was joking with a friend that it should go well if the role called for a blonde, tall suburban born guy with a deep voice, that's right in my wheelhouse.    So what happens?

The role was a younger version of my father.  No shitting.  The role called for a husband and wife who were out duck hunting.  The husband was focused on the hunting while the wife wanted to talk about their relationship. 

It's like when Cliff Claven went on Jeopardy and all the categories were Beer, Bar Trivia, Celibacy and other shit he was a master of.  Really funny.  Still don't think I did super well with it, but it was a nice piece of serendipity and a sign that doing the audition was the right thing!

MotD: Shrink

Entertaining enough film.  It's structured like Crash or Grand Canyon, where we see how lives intersect, in this case with the titular shrink, played well by Kevin Spacey, is the lynchpin.  Parts of this seemed forced and too underedeveloped.  Particularly, the writer's interactions with both the assistant and the schoolkid.  Spacey is really good in this movie though.  Recommended on his performance alone.

Pwned

Here's a scene I'm handing in for class tonight.  Kinda long, but hopefully entertaining.  Formatting is off and crazy, but cutting and pasting is a bitch.

“Pwned”

Cast
Joe - 15
Matt - 16
Jeff - 15
Chris - 14
(Four boys sit in chairs facing the audience, staring ahead. Headset microphones are on each of them, and their hands are occupied with video game controllers)

MATT

Look out for the Dragon’s Tail!

JOE

Dude, put up the spell!

JEFF

Quit telling me, I know! Chris, summon your demon!

CHRIS

What was that? I can’t hear you!
(Chris bangs on the side of his headphone)

JOE

Aww, crap. I’m dead.
(They all put down their controllers in defeat)

JOE

Guys, this ain’t working. We need a Demonslayer sword.

MATT

No we don’t, we can do it like this.

JOE

No, Matt, without the Demonslayer to pin his tail down, the Dragon just swipes us away.

JEFF

It’s happened everytime we’ve tried this.

MATT

You don’t need it, you can do it like this, I know you can.

JOE

How do you know that?

MATT

I’ve seen it done.

JOE

Where?

MATT

Never mind where, I’ve seen it done is all. Let’s just revive and try another dungeon.

JEFF

Where have you seen it? You Tube? Cause I’ve looked on You Tube and can’t find one without the Demonslayer.

CHRIS

Guys, seriously, should I revive back at the hospital or are you coming back here? Guys?

MATT

I did it last week.

JOE

How? Our Guild stats show none of us completing this quest.

MATT

That’s because I didn’t do it with Matt-poleon The Dwarf. I... used an alternate toon.

JEFF

You have an Alt Toon? WTF?

JOE

Dude, we made a pact when we got this game, all our resources would go towards the benefit of our Guild.

MATT

You know how it is, I was online one night, you guys weren’t around, I just wanted to roll a new character. I met some cool people in the town square, and they kinda...

JOE

Kinda what?

MATT

They kinda invited me to join their Guild. So I did.

JEFF

Double WTF!!

JOE

Dude, you’re in another Guild?

MATT

It’s not a big deal, anytime you guys are online, I always join you.

JOE

If it wasn’t a big deal, why keep it a secret?

MATT

It’s not like that. It’s just when I’m with them I can do other things.

JOE

What other things? What do they give you we can’t?

MATT

Well, they do cross base raids for one thing.

JEFF

You know we can’t do that because Chris can’t support the bandwidth. You know that!

CHRIS

What can’t I do? Seriously guys, you coming back here?

MATT

And my other toon can do things that Matt-poleon can’t.

JOE

Like what?

MATT

Well, she’s a Mage, so she can cast protective spells.

JOE

She! She’s a she?

JEFF

Triple WTF!

JOE

Your other toon’s a girl? Oh my god, I don’t even know you! Who are you?

MATT

I’m the same guy that felled the Castle of Pain last Summer, remember that?
(Joe gets up, throws down his headset and exits the stage)

JEFF

No, Matt-poleon held off the orc hordes. Ms. Matt wasn’t there. What’s her name anyway?

MATT

(Hesitantly)
Queen Mattilda the Beautiful...

JEFF

Awww.... Jesus man, seriously?

CHRIS

Guys?

MATT

You’re blowing this way out of proportion.

JEFF

You know this is why we kicked out Jason. You know that right?

MATT

Yes....

JEFF

We said never again, all of us, you me and Joe all made a pact. We only let Chris in because we needed a 4th. It was us man, the 3 of us. And you go and ruin it.

MATT

It just sorta happened one night, I’m sorry.

JEFF

Joe, what do you think? Joe?
(At that moment, Joe walks back onstage into Matt’s section and punches Matt repeatedly in the shoulder)

JOE

You (punch) Cheating (punch) Asshole (punch) How (punch) Dare (punch) You!(punch) (points finger) The next time this happens, you’re out, do you hear me, you are out!
(Joe exits the stage again)

JEFF

What was that?

MATT

Joe just Tigered me. I can’t play anymore, my arm’s numb.

JEFF

Just... just promise to break up with this other Guild. I don’t want to hear about Queen Mattilda ever again.

MATT

If it’s that important. I’ll tell them it’s over.

JEFF

Thank you. I gotta log off now, my mom’s calling dinner.
(Jeff exits. Matt fiddles with some controls, waits a beat, then appears to go back online)

MATT

Hey guys! Yeah, pssh, no big deal, I told them all about you, they’re totally cool with it. We’ve got an open Guild relationship. Let’s go smash some Orcs!
(Chris is still fiddling with his headset)

CHRIS

Guys, seriously, guys? Are you coming back here or what? Guys?
(Blackout...) 


MotD: Chopper

Eric Bana as a ridiculous true life tall tale in the Australian penal system.  Highly recommended, this movie chronicles the bullshit filled life of "Chopper" Read.  If you Google him, you'll see real life videos of this guy, and then you can marvel at how amazingly Eric Bana portrayed him.  He's truly, genuinely insane.  He seems bipolar or schizo or something.  It's well told and very entertaining.  What I really liked about it was the people around Chopper.  Since this is Australia, land of criminals, a bunch of his criminal acts are just laughed off.  It's a trip!  He shoots people, beats people, etc and cops and jailers kinda shrug it off.  Awesome.

Surfer Down!

Here's a free driving tip to both of my loyal readers out there.  If you're in a parking garage, there's a busy flow of traffice in your one way aisle and you're a complete fucking idiot, don't back up.

Some asshat in a Jeep backed up without looking today and put a nice dent into the Silver Surfer's front quarterpanel.  For once I wasn't quick enough on the horn to alert this otherwise inattentive nimrod of their impending stupidity. 

Crunch.

Her spare tire punched the dent into the car.  What sucks is if the tire wasn't there, it would have just been a scratch on the bumper.  (Or maybe not, because that hit first, if it was bumper on bumper action it may have been worse)  Either way, if not for the tire denting my frame, I was totally just going to take cash and move along.  Now insurance has to get involved and I have to take the car in and all that shit.

I did that once, some kid rear ended my car, we looked and it was only cosmetic.  So I asked how much he had on him, he gave it to me, and we moved along.  I like that, it feels old school.  Piece a guy off for dinging up his ride instead of getting police or insurance involved.  Life was simpler back then.


MotD: Noise

Tim Robbins in a low budget movie about the overwhelming noise pollution in New York.  The description read like a Falling Down kinda movie, where a man takes it in his own hands to clean up the streets.  Unfortunately, it played more like Blankman.  And I'm not kidding about that.  This was VERY much like Blankman.  Not a good start.  There were a lot of big names in this movie, Robbins, William Hurt, Bridget Moynahan.  Billy Baldwin was in it too.  I've a feeling this was a favor movie, where the director or writer was breaking out.  Not an awful attempt, but nothing flashy or memorable in it. 

Blankman.

Omega Cat

Man, I just wrote a multi graph discussion of the Tiger Woods stuff and really just don't want the heat.  I deleted it, primarily because I didn't trust my ability to expound on my thoughts with the proper clarity.  Have you ever had that?  Something in your mind that you know you feel ok about, but as it rolls off your tongue you want to staple your mouth shut and take it all back?  Cause you're sounding like an idiot, but you know, in your head, everything is wonderful.

So, discretion, valor, and opening your mouth and removing all doubt and all that goes into effect here.

I will be very clear with this thought tho...

Happy Birthday Lyla Jo Hope!!!!

Woo Hoo!  My little niece is 2 years old today!  She's a little sweetheart and we celebrated with her today, loved it. 

MotD: Alpha Dog

Speed Racer and JT in a SoCal drug fueled kidnapping story.  Throw in a little Angel from X-Men and you have a winner.  I'd heard this was good, I wasn't prepared for how good.  It's a small story that spins wildly out of control.   Crazier to think that it's based on a true story.  JT is good, Speed Racer is good.  I love the way the story is told, with the characters introduced along with their witness number for the eventual trial that you're told happens in the beginning of the film.  I was prepared for something of a harsher movie, but it was surprisingly tame, shocking at the right times, but overall a solid thriller that builds. 

Burning Calories...

Getting closer to a relaunch....

MotD: Frailty

I'd heard good things about this movie and I'm about to shock my friends here.  I loved this movie.  This movie stars and is directed by Bill Paxton.  Let me say again, I loved this movie.  This movie stars Bill Paxton.  Let that sink in.

Ok?  Paxton is a crazy single dad who feels he's been visited by God and told to eliminate demons in the world.  He enlists his sons to help what they see as murdering people.  The tale is told in flashback, with Matthew McConaughey as the adult version of one of the boys speaking to an FBI agent.  Real good, real creepy and well told.  Paxton, as usual, has one note and that's all he does all movie, but this is just an engaging work, very entertaining and recommended.

Spinning Hourglass...

Still organizing the reboot of the overall blog.  Movie recommendation for today. 

Enjoy!

MotD: Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie For Theaters

Inspired lunacy.  I'm not an afficianado of ATHF, but I am a fan.  I've seen some of the seasons and enjoyed them, even if they were just insane.  That's what you get here.  Just a whack job melange of the ATHF gang, with all the supporting characters, Plutonians, Mooninites etc.  It's hard to recommend this to people who don't know the show at all, because the narrative here deals with their origins.  However, it's REALLY funny at times, if you just go with the flow and forget about the literal premise of a Shake, Meatwad and Fry talking to you, just laugh at their shit.  If you're a fan, you've already seen this I'm sure.  It's worth a laugh.

Rebooting....

In the process of Re-Installing Windows on my desktop and troubleshooting some pesky software, so not very typey for a blog these couple of days.  Will regale you with some filmic thoughts whilst I prepare for the blog reboot and my desktop reboot!

MotD: The Interpreter

I finally found a Nicole Kidman movie I like.  Outside of Dead Calm and BMX Bandits of course.  That's probably exaggerating, but she's always annoyed me a bit, not here though.  She's a UN interpreter who accidentally overhears a plot to kill someone.  Sean Penn is an angsty Secret Service agent assigned to get to the bottom of it.  Both are excellent, but the story kinda lost me in the middle.  I just didn't care all that much about the horrible things going on in Africa, probably because they didn't SHOW it to us.  We just got the same kind of second hand discussion of it that we get, in real life, on the news.  So when everyone got up in arms, I was... meh.  Worth a viewing, but have something at hand if you get disinterested a little bit.

MotD EXTRA: The Road

No, I haven't read the book.  That's what everyone who I've spoken to about this has immediately asked me.  I'll probably read it one day, but I'm backlogged now.  As to the movie, really good, Viggo is his usual awesome self.  The kid was pretty good too.  You know what else was good?  The razor blade that I used to slit my wrists after watching this.  I know it's an apocalypse movie, but holy shit.  Stock up on the antidepressants prior to viewing.  I guess I'm still trying to determine the point of it.  Yes, shit hit the fan, yes humans will find a way to persevere... but not really?  Seriously, not trying to be snarky, what was the point of this?  As an observation of what an Apoc existence would be like, fantastic.  But isn't that what The Discovery Channel is for?  Aren't stories supposed to provide...  something?   It didn't leave me cold, it just left me confused.