“Pwned”
Cast
Joe - 15
Matt - 16
Jeff - 15
Chris - 14
(Four boys sit in chairs facing the audience, staring ahead. Headset microphones are on each of them, and their hands are occupied with video game controllers)
MATT
Look out for the Dragon’s Tail!JOE
Dude, put up the spell!JEFF
Quit telling me, I know! Chris, summon your demon!CHRIS
What was that? I can’t hear you!(Chris bangs on the side of his headphone)
JOE
Aww, crap. I’m dead.(They all put down their controllers in defeat)
JOE
Guys, this ain’t working. We need a Demonslayer sword.MATT
No we don’t, we can do it like this.JOE
No, Matt, without the Demonslayer to pin his tail down, the Dragon just swipes us away.JEFF
It’s happened everytime we’ve tried this.MATT
You don’t need it, you can do it like this, I know you can.JOE
How do you know that?MATT
I’ve seen it done.JOE
Where?MATT
Never mind where, I’ve seen it done is all. Let’s just revive and try another dungeon.JEFF
Where have you seen it? You Tube? Cause I’ve looked on You Tube and can’t find one without the Demonslayer.CHRIS
Guys, seriously, should I revive back at the hospital or are you coming back here? Guys?MATT
I did it last week.JOE
How? Our Guild stats show none of us completing this quest.MATT
That’s because I didn’t do it with Matt-poleon The Dwarf. I... used an alternate toon.JEFF
You have an Alt Toon? WTF?JOE
Dude, we made a pact when we got this game, all our resources would go towards the benefit of our Guild. MATT
You know how it is, I was online one night, you guys weren’t around, I just wanted to roll a new character. I met some cool people in the town square, and they kinda...JOE
Kinda what?MATT
They kinda invited me to join their Guild. So I did. JEFF
Double WTF!!JOE
Dude, you’re in another Guild?MATT
It’s not a big deal, anytime you guys are online, I always join you.JOE
If it wasn’t a big deal, why keep it a secret?MATT
It’s not like that. It’s just when I’m with them I can do other things.JOE
What other things? What do they give you we can’t?MATT
Well, they do cross base raids for one thing.JEFF
You know we can’t do that because Chris can’t support the bandwidth. You know that!CHRIS
What can’t I do? Seriously guys, you coming back here?MATT
And my other toon can do things that Matt-poleon can’t.JOE
Like what?MATT
Well, she’s a Mage, so she can cast protective spells.JOE
She! She’s a she? JEFF
Triple WTF!JOE
Your other toon’s a girl? Oh my god, I don’t even know you! Who are you?MATT
I’m the same guy that felled the Castle of Pain last Summer, remember that? (Joe gets up, throws down his headset and exits the stage)
JEFF
No, Matt-poleon held off the orc hordes. Ms. Matt wasn’t there. What’s her name anyway?MATT
(Hesitantly)Queen Mattilda the Beautiful...
JEFF
Awww.... Jesus man, seriously?CHRIS
Guys?MATT
You’re blowing this way out of proportion. JEFF
You know this is why we kicked out Jason. You know that right?MATT
Yes....JEFF
We said never again, all of us, you me and Joe all made a pact. We only let Chris in because we needed a 4th. It was us man, the 3 of us. And you go and ruin it.MATT
It just sorta happened one night, I’m sorry.JEFF
Joe, what do you think? Joe?(At that moment, Joe walks back onstage into Matt’s section and punches Matt repeatedly in the shoulder)
JOE
You (punch) Cheating (punch) Asshole (punch) How (punch) Dare (punch) You!(punch) (points finger) The next time this happens, you’re out, do you hear me, you are out!(Joe exits the stage again)
JEFF
What was that?MATT
Joe just Tigered me. I can’t play anymore, my arm’s numb.JEFF
Just... just promise to break up with this other Guild. I don’t want to hear about Queen Mattilda ever again.MATT
If it’s that important. I’ll tell them it’s over.JEFF
Thank you. I gotta log off now, my mom’s calling dinner.(Jeff exits. Matt fiddles with some controls, waits a beat, then appears to go back online)
MATT
Hey guys! Yeah, pssh, no big deal, I told them all about you, they’re totally cool with it. We’ve got an open Guild relationship. Let’s go smash some Orcs!(Chris is still fiddling with his headset)
CHRIS
Guys, seriously, guys? Are you coming back here or what? Guys?(Blackout...)
MotD: Chopper
Eric Bana as a ridiculous true life tall tale in the Australian penal system. Highly recommended, this movie chronicles the bullshit filled life of "Chopper" Read. If you Google him, you'll see real life videos of this guy, and then you can marvel at how amazingly Eric Bana portrayed him. He's truly, genuinely insane. He seems bipolar or schizo or something. It's well told and very entertaining. What I really liked about it was the people around Chopper. Since this is Australia, land of criminals, a bunch of his criminal acts are just laughed off. It's a trip! He shoots people, beats people, etc and cops and jailers kinda shrug it off. Awesome.
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